The Low Ten

Inspired by an ex-colleague's pathetically misguided ``defense'' of such people as Saddam Hussein and such practices as killing sick old people (I swear I am not making this up), it occurred to me that there are so many things that need defending. Just look at the headlines any day. Feeling honor-bound, and as my humble contribution to the betterment of humanity, in early 2007 I began The Low Ten (also known as The Tawdry Ten) -- a weekly list arriving in your mail box every Monday morning. If you want to join, send me an email with LOW TEN in the subject field.

We are always looking for Guest Listers. Jump down to see the first Guest List. If you think you might like to audition, send your list and we will give it careful, snarky consideration.



Herewith an archive of Low Tens:



In Defense of...

GOV. ELIOT SPITZER "DATING" A CALL GIRL


Courtesy of guest lister Jamie Rodway!


10. He was just trying to get a struggling musician much-needed publicity.

9. A good Governor will do anything for (and with) a voter.

8. Thought his wife would get the hint. She didn't.

7. Ashely Dupre??? He doesn't know anyone by that name . . . what??? . . . she goes by 'Kristen' . . . oh . . . never mind.

6. In trying to get the VP nod, he wanted Hillary to know how similar he is to Bill.

5. Some people will do anything to make the "In Defense of" list.

4. Tried to show a real-life example of why Congress should ban those pesky wire taps.

3. Isn't that what politicians do?

2. He wanted to give Jay, Dave and Conan something new to talk about.

1. He wanted to pave the way for his successor, David Paterson.

(March 19)




In Defense of…

MICHELLE OBAMA PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN 1st TIME AS ADULT

1. The Audacity of Pride.

2. Hey, she turned 18 just last week.

3. Was Canadian citizen until this year.

4. I told the bastard I didn’t want him to run.

5. Pride goeth before a (long) fall (and spring and summer).

6. Rush was running low on fresh material.

7. Hannity was getting stale, too.

8. Great set-up for Mrs. McCain.

9. Speaking of McCain, didn’t he just turn 90?

10. Maybe, but at least he can still… well, you know.

(February 21)




In Defense of...

HILLARY ACCUSING OBAMA OF PLAGIARIZING


Courtesy of guest lister Jamie Rodway!


10. When caught surfing on YouTube had to come up with quick excuse other than wanted to watch funny animal clips.

9. That "You're no John Kennedy" thing worked on that pretty boy Dan Quayle.

8. Pissed that she didn't 'borrow' that really cool line first.

7. New campaign manager tried to earn points by showing she actually watches boring old speeches for something other than fun most Friday nights.

6. Because that tear thing in New Hampshire has lost momentum.

5. It was Bill's idea.

4. Big words like plagiarism scare voters - apparently a popular technique in today's campaigns.

3. Because she wants to bring teh country together... only if they pick her first.

2. Thought he was quoting the Devil instead of quoting Deval.

1. Because he's winning DAMN IT!!!

(February 20)




In Defense of...

HUCKABEE STAYING IN THE RACE

1. Women deserve the right to vote (you mean they already have it?)

2. Gays are people, too (but we don’t have any in Arkansas ).

3. Marriage is a union of one (Christian) man and one (Christian) woman.

4. Man is NOT descended from monkey.

5. NASCAR should be national sport.

6. Prayer in schools (and the government in your bedroom).

7. Guns in every home (preferably semi-automatics).

8. Nuke Iran . It’s that simple.

9. And if Mexico won’t take their 11M illegals back, nuke it, too.

10. Eliminate all federal taxes. Starve the poor. Abandon the children. Forget the weak. Yes, I AM a Christian.

(February 12, 2008)




THE LOW TEN IN 2007


In Defense of...

WGA GOING ON STRIKE

Folks, this time, I’m not tongue-in-cheek.

1. GE, parent company of NBC, made how much last year? ($20.8 billion)

2. Time Warner made how much? ($6.5 billion)

3. Disney? ($3.4 billion)

4. Newscorp? ($2.3 billion)

5. Apple? ($1.9 billion)

6. CBS? ($1.6 billion)

7. Viacom? ($1.6 billion)

8. Oprah? ($260 million)

9. Spielberg? ($110 million)

10. Your average TV writer? ($70,000)

Please support the striking writers!

(November 12, 2007)



In Defense of...

NORMAN MAILER, 1923 - 2007

1. Six wives, eight children, 30+ books, 0 great American Novels.

2. The Naked and the (now I’m) Dead.

3. Last straight man to live in P’town.

4. Armies of the (very long now) Night.

5. Harlot’s Ghost (i.e., me now).

6. With dear (demented, criminal, killer) author-friend Jack Abbott now.

7. Corpus gone, ego remains.

8. The Executioner’s (Grim Reapers’) Song (dirge).

9. In end, kidney trumps liver, brain, phallus.

10. But, folks, he brought us The Village Voice.

(Special edition, November 11)



In Defense of...

PAUL McCARTNEY’S LATEST BABE

1. Can buy me love.

2. All you need is love (and a pre-nup).

3. Baby you’re a rich man.

4. Dear Prudence (and Renee, Christie, Rosanna, etc).

5. Happiness is a warm (girl).

6. Hold me tight (but not my prosthesis, please).

7. Let it be (i.e., keep your mitts off my $1 billion).

8. Maxwell’s silver hammer (come down on Heather’s head, please).

9. The long and winding road (through divorce court).

10. Got to get you into my life (for a week or so, Nancy).

(November 8)



In Defense of...

DEMS CELEBRATING YEAR IN CHARGE CONGRESS

1. Still in Iraq.

2. Globe still warming.

3. West still running out of water.

4. Still-born Social Security reform.

5. Still less popular than Dubya.

6. Kennedy still fond of distilleries (this week’s non sequitur).

7. Hillary still elusive.

8. Barack still keeps gloves on.

9. Rush still beating Pelosi up.

10. Reid still looks like class geek.

(November 5)



In Defense of…

COLORADO ROCKIES IN WORLD SERIES

1. No joke, really are named after mountains.

2. (John) Denver.

3. Clint (faces big) Hurdle.

4. Fenway or the highway.

5. Coors (light) Field.

6. Kaz(oo).

7. Yaz is throwing first pitch.

8. Lonborg available for short relief.

9. Eight days of rust.

10. Four games ‘til Rocky Mountain Low.

(Special edition, October 24)



Our first-ever guest lister strikes again! Thanks, Jamie.

In Defense of...

THE DROUGHT IN THE SOUTHEAST

1. Marriages have improved as husbands get To Do List done instead of fishing in currently non-existent lakes.

2. Las Vegas is the fastest growing city in the United States and it's in the desert. People like arid.

3. Justifies our closet obsession with The Weather Channel.

4. The lakes needed weeding.

5. Were these not the same people complaining about the hurricanes???

6. Stupid FEMA. It might not be their fault, but then again, it just might be.

7. There are too many Northerners in God's country. Maybe now they'll get the hint.

8. Greater need for beer. Hooray Beer!!!

9. Who wants to mow their lawn/dirt during SEC and ACC football season???

10. Atlanta is the home of Coca-Cola and Dasani water. Let's just call it a coincidence and leave it at that.

(October 22)



Folks, a new Guest Lister! He's Dave Bettencourt, director and producer of the smash documentary YOU MUST BE THIS TALL, which received a coveted five stars from The Providence Journal. I urge you to visit the movie site, and if you’re out of the region, await the December arrival of the DVD.

OK, here’s Dave’s list:

In Defense of...

THE YANKEES FIRING JOE TORRE

1. The Yankees have never overpaid for anything. Why start now?

2. It leaves room for player-manager Derek Jeter.

3. $7 million? That saves enough money to pay A-Rod for 3 at-bats.

4. He once taught Telly on Sesame Street how to throw a ball. Now Telly is in rehab for his second Tommy John surgery.

5. His horse beat Steinbrenner's horse.

6. He allegedly once helped Jason Giambi roll up his belly skin and shoot up human hormones.

7. George Steinbrenner didn't like George Costanza. George Steinbrenner doesn't like Joe Torre.

He just doesn't like Italians.

8. It's not like he led the Yankees to 9 AL East titles and 4 World Series wins or anything.

9. Billy Crystal is just a better fit. He's so funny.

10. It makes being a Red Sox fan that much sweeter.

(Special edition, October 20)



In Defense of…

AHMADINEJAD NEVER WEARING NECKTIE

1. In my country, is noose.

2. No tolerance for Western ways (except nuclear technology).

3. I don’t have to wear a burqa, either.

4. You mean it’s not dress-down Friday?

5. Give me credit for button-down collar.

6. Faster passage through airport security.

7. Fashion is Zionist myth.

8. Arafat never wore one, either.

9. Nor Hitler.

10. Is that why U.S. delegation walked out on my speech?

(Special edition, September 26)



MARCEL MARCEAU, 1923 - 2007

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

(September 24)



In Defense of...

O.J. TRYING TO RECLAIM HIS MEMORABILIA

1. If I did it, I hope I get credited with carrying a gun.

2. If I didn’t, I still look cool packing a .45.

3. Needed the dough to continue 12-year quest to find Nicole’s real killer.

4. Miss that great courtroom high.

5. Jury pool will have to be limited to indigenous East Siberian peoples.

6. You mean they DON’T have golf in prison? Holy f***!

7. You mean Johnnie Cochran’s DEAD? He was my lawyer, right?

8. Is Fuhrman dead, too?

9. Is Dershowitz available?

10. Just another attempt to make my kids proud.

(Special edition, September 19)



Folks, it was a snark’s dream this week, what with General Betrayus, Dubya, Britney and more. But life is about choices, and so this week we made a hard one, deciding to tap back into professional sports.

In Defense of…

BELICHICK SPYING ON JETS

1. Bill’s favorite group is U2.

2. His favorite actor: Sean Connery.

3. Favorite TV series: Charlie’s Angels.

4. Favorite movie: Octopussy.

5. Favorite Web site: Google Earth.

6. Best friend: George Tenet.

7. Female sports hero: Rosie Ruiz.

8. Male sports hero: Rose, Pete.

9. All-time favorite team: 1919 Chicago White Sox.

10. Favorite historical figures: Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.

(September 16)



In Defense of...

SEN. CRAIG SAYING HE MAY NOT RESIGN, AFTER ALL

1. Stall-ing tactic.

2. Isn’t it clear I never mean anything I say?

3. He’s secretly a Democrat.

4. Knock three times on the partition if you want me.

5. Twice on the pipe means the answer is no.

6. Following Alberto playbook.

7. If that scary-ass Specter told you to do something, you’d comply.

8. Family-values constituency needs him.

9. Blockbuster book deal with Ted Haggard calls for him to retain high promotional profile (and that ain’t Idaho ).

10. Has the support of the world-renown, civic-minded American Land Rights Association (see below).

Yes, folks, from the We Couldn’t Make This Stuff Up Dept., comes this email from the Rights Assn. to its members:

"By ambushing Senator Larry Craig, the Minneapolis St Paul Airport Police have effectively declared war on the West. They are primarily responsible for greatly weakening private property rights and Federal land use advocates in the Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee and in Congress. We are urging you to make all your flight arrangements avoiding the Minneapolis-St Paul Airport for at least the next year and probably longer. We’ll keep you posted as the boycott develops.”

And we thought it was Osama who declared war on the West. Silly us. And speaking of bin Laden, reliable sources tell The Low Ten that the latest photopgraph is actually a file shot from Madame Tussauds. The dialysis pump is off-camera.

(September 10)



In Defense of...

MISS TEEN SOUTH CAROLINA'S ANSWER TO WHY 1/5 OF AMERICANS ARE NOT ABLE TO IDENTIFY THE UNITED STATES ON A MAP (see what she actually said, on national TV, below).

By our Guest Lister once again. This dude rocks!


1. What defense? She still kicked Miss West Virginia's little butt!!!

2. Hello??? She's cute and has breasts. Nobody cares.

3. Just because the majority of people don't know where the United States is on a map doesn't make them stupid.

4. It's hard to tell where things are with all those red lines and numbers all over the pages.

5. "Because it doesn't really look like pictures I've seen of the United States."

6. Like you know where it is.

7. "Well, uh, it's like, uh, because, uh, well, uh, world peace is the answer!!!"

8. Nobody said there would be math problems.

9. She'd like to plead the one-fifth.

10. "I don't know. Personally I use Neverlost."

What she actually said. And we remind you, we do not make these things up:

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as, uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us."

(September 3)



In Defense of...

PUTIN TAKING OFF HIS SHIRT FOR PHOTOS LATER TO BE POSTED ON HIS WEBSITE

By our Guest Lister!


1. Vlady didn't realize in strip poker that three of a kind beats two pair.

2. He's looking to put the 'Iron' back in the Iron Curtain.

3. Skin pictures helped Pamela Anderson in her popularity so why wouldn't it work for a world leader???

4. "It's hot in Siberia. Okay, maybe it's not, but damn I look good!!!"

5. "Boris liked his six packs. I've got six packs of my own."

6. Because taking off his pants would be just silly.

7. Vraiment bébé (Russian for 'Yeah Baby')

8. Match.com said posting pictures would help get more responses from the ladies.

9. Two words: Bowflex. Okay that's one word but it kinda sounds like

two words. 10. "I call these my Soviet Guns!!!"

(August 27)



In Defense of...

TIM DONAGHY BETTING ON BASKETBALL GAMES:

By our Guest Lister!

1. Betting on games that he was officiating helped his odds considerably, so really it just made good business sense.

2. Pete Rose was a childhood hero.

3. Thought he could take Commissioner Stern if need be, and has since learned that the odds are 3:1 in his favor in a now much-anticipated Donaghy vs. Stern cage match.

4. Had never seen The Sopranos so didn't know that mobsters are not known to be the nicest people.

5. He learned after reading The Jordan Rules that the games are fixed anyway by the NBA, so why not get in on the action.

6. Have you watched an NBA game lately? A guy's got to do something to make it a bit more exciting.

7. The only way he could make the much-coveted G. Wayne Miller Low Ten list.

8. Without Vick's weekly dog-fighting bets, a guy has to diversify.

9. Somehow Dick Cheney is involved.

10. In 2006, it was the only way the Celtics were ever going to beat the 76ers.

(August 21)



In Defense of...

REDBOOK MAGAZINE PHOTOSHOPPING FAITH HILL ON ITS COVER

With all credit due jezebel.com. For background, and the actual number-by-number computer ``enhancements,'' visit http://jezebel.com/gossip/photoshop-of-horrors/heres-our-winner-redbook-shatters-our-faith-in-well-not-publishing-but-maybe-god-278919.php

1. Thousands in styling and we still can't get the hair right.

2. No 39-year-old has crow's feet.

3. God-given cheeks are so not cool.

4. Lighten those earlobes.

5. Lord forbid wrinkles on an aging neck.

6. Collagen those lips.

7. Clavicle OK for musculoskeletal support, no-no for magazine cover.

8. Fatty tissue OK for insulating human body, bad for celebrity image.

9. What was that hand doing there?

10. By-bye, butt.

(July 16)



NOTE: There was no Low Ten July 2 and July 9.



In Defense of...

BLOOMBERG DENYING RUN FOR PRESIDENCY

1. Hey, I'm just feeling independent.

2. With $5 billion, I don't owe anyone an explanation.

3. With $5 billion, I could finance everyone's campaign.

4. I just hope Bill Gates doesn't jump in.

5. Beat that, Mr. Last Mayor.

6. Thompson's not running, either.

7. Neither is Gore.

8. And Newt.

9. Saves me from having to visit Iowa and N.H.

10. My ears are smaller than Perot's.

(June 25)



In Defense of...

SPACE STATION SPACE-CAPADES

1. Houston, we have a stapler here.

2. These medical kits sure are useful.

3. Thermal blanket makes nice bandage, too.

4. Rubber bands = backup propulsion.

5. Coat hangers should prove worth on manned mission to Mars.

6. Ditto baling wire.

7. And super-glue.

8. Desperate (budget) times call for desperate measures.

9. Motherland, motherf******, motherboard.

10. And for you Belo insiders: Dial 7911.

(June 18)



In Defense Of...

PUTIN OFFERING TO SHARE MISSILE DEFENSE

1. Our friend Iran is starting to scare us.

2. You pay, I'll play.

3. My nukes are all rusting, anyway.

4. And our plutonium's all on the black market.

5. If you can't beat them, trick them.

6. We swear there was nothing in Litvinenko's food.

7. There's no easier fun than messing with Dubya's tiny brain.

8. I really want to visit Kennebunkport.

9. Just love that Maine lobster.

10. Now will you lay off the human rights criticism?

(June 11)



In Defense of...

RELEASING PARIS FOR `MEDICAL CONDITION'

1. I need a drink.

2. I need a joint.

3. I need a line.

4. I need a sex tape.

5. I need my makeup.

6. I need to make my Mensa meeting.

7. I need paparazzi.

8. I need my cell phone.

9. Equal (celebrity) justice under the law.

10. Oh, where have you gone, Anna Nicole...

(Special Edition, June 8)



In Defense of...

TB PATIENT FLYING TO EUROPE FOR HIS WEDDING

1. I didn't kiss the bride. Honest.

2. Ohmigod! I thought they said TV!

3. My daddy-in-law told me it was OK. He should know, right?

4. I didn't look sick.

5. Go to your room. Andy.

6. What did you expect, I'm a lawyer.

7. The Hot Zone sold how many copies? Get me an agent.

8. Gazunteit.

9. Conducting patriotic test of border-crossing security.

10. Was trying to find Lugovoi to give dose of his own medicine.

(June 4)



In Defense of...

DEMOCRATS CAVING TO DUBYA ON WAR FUNDING

1. Didn't want to miss that summer Texas BBQ invite.

2. Or the fall quail-hunting trip.

3. What's a few hundred more dead Americans?

4. Or thousands more Iraqis?

5. What was that November '06 message again?

6. Just kidding, we didn't really want to keep Congress in '08.

7. Phew! Sticking to principle was getting so nerve-wracking.

8. The munchies at White House bill-signing ceremonies are the best.

9. Deadline = dead.

10. Withdrawal works better as birth-control method.

(May 28)



In Defense of...

PUTIN DISSING RICE

1. Vladimir says `nyet' to gap teeth.

2. So what if she can play classical piano? That 'do leaves him (Siberian) cold, too.

3. Ditto German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

4. Can we send them both next time to Chechnya?

5. Got oil.

6. Got natural gas.

7. Got Litvinenko and Politkovskaya, too.

8. Gonna get Kasparov.

9. In great Soviet Union, patriotic womenfolk wore aprons.

10. KGB = FU.

(May 21)



In Defense of...

JUDGE ORDERING PARIS TO JAIL

1. Career-broadening video possibilities include suicide-watch cam.

2. Vocal possibilities include Chain Gang.

3. Learns new meaning of word ``bars.''

4. Prison orange goes nicely with bottle blonde.

5. Does Ca. constitution allow Arnold to change sentence to life w/o parole? Please?

6. Sleeping in same room as steel toilet could be life-altering experience.

7. Ditto a month-and-a-half of mystery meat.

8. Civilization gets 45-day reprieve.

9. Paparazzi get 45 days unemployment benefits.

10. Finally stars in a real reality show.

(Special edition, May 10)



In Defense of...

TENET'S CONSCIENCE PROMPTING HIM TO WRITE BOOK

1. Four-million-dollar advance.

2. Sixty Minutes.

3. Two days on Today.

4. Larry King.

5. Charlie Rose.

6. Bill O'Reilly.

7.Time magazine excerpt.

8. Why they hell did they have to fire Imus now?

9. Colbert? Please?

10. Oprah? Pretty please?

(May 7)



In Defense of...

THE MILITARY'S LYNCH AND TILLMAN STORIES

1. Easter Bunny.

2. Tooth Fairy.

3. Santa Claus.

4. Valerie Plume.

5. Yellowcake.

6. WMDs.

7. Saddam harbored al Qaeda.

8. Mission Accomplished.

9. Stay The Course.

10. Surge.

(April 30)



In Defense of...

AG GONZALES' CONGRESSIONAL TESTIMONY

1. I don't recall what I had for breakfast.

2. I don't recall where I left my keys.

3. I don't recall where I parked my car.

4. I don't recall my anniversary.

5. I don't recall asking Pelosi or Reid for their opinions.

6. Kyle who?

7. Department of what?

8. Let who go when?

9. FBI anagram = FIB.

10. Didn't you need a judge's order to tape this hearing?

(April 23)



In Defense of...

PAUL WOLFOWITZ GETTING GIRLFRIEND CUSHY STATE DEPT. JOB

1. New motto: Make love, not (Iraq) war.

2. True to World Bank mission of fighting (girlfriend's) poverty.

3. Gives Dubya chance to defend latest doomed crony.

4. Neocon = con (as in artist).

5. NY Times gets fresh whipping post.

6. Takes heat off Gonzales (for the moment).

7. Wolfie discovers great new ally in... deputy foreign minister of Mauritius.

8. Continues proud tradition of Dubya insiders as shining moral beacons.

9. Shaha's salary (and ability to broker Middle East peace) now surpasses Condi's.

10. Gives Wall Street Journal new opportunity to be on wrong side of issue again.

(April 16)



In Defense of...

BRITISH MARINES SINGING LIKE CANARIES

1. We were interrogated (would you like pepperoni on your pizza?).

2. We were blindfolded (Pin the Tail on the Donkey is ancient Persian game).

3. Not every day you get the opportunity for custom-tailored Iranian suits.

4. We were isolated (in the dressing room for our custom fittings).

5. Never heard of John McCain.

6. Tiger cage is circus prop, right?

7. Maybe now we'll get a real HMS, not a rubber ducky.

8. Difficult to negotiate book/film deals from Tehran.

9. We were forced to sleep on piled blankets (sorry, they don't sell Sealy here).

10. Lent is ideal time for confession.

(April 9)



In Defense of...

THE RADIO AND TELEVISION CORRESPONDENTS DINNER

1. Hillary wasn't there.

2. Marginally funnier than ``Nearer, My God to Thee.''

3. Easier than rearranging deck chairs.

4. Proves neocons have sense of humor (for 93 minutes).

5. It's official: Rove better rapper than '06 strategist.

6. Dubya makes annual joke. Boy, we'll miss those.

7. David Gregory erases last trace of line between the press and the covered.

8. Last time we saw fiddling like this, Rome was burning.

9. Brian Williams introduces NASCAR Nation to Battle Hymn of the Republic.

10. Yes, Dubya, you are a temporary guest worker.

(April 2)



In Defense of...

IRAN SEIZING BRITISH MARINES

1. Na-na-na-na-na, we don't have nukes but now we've got 15 schmucks in a rubber ducky.

2. Proves glory days of Admiral Nelson are over forever.

3. Can we get Cheney out on one of those inflatables?

4. We haven't seen a good forced-confession video in a while.

5. Gives Iran wonderful opportunity to polish rusty hostage-taking skills.

6. Gives Exxon Mobil shareholders reason to uncork champagne.

7. Tony Blair gets to follow Jimmy Carter endgame.

8. Ahmadinejad upstages Chavez and Kim Jong-il.

9. Potential opportunity for Dubya to drag us into another war no one but neocons or John McCain could want.

10. Female Marine looks marvelous in burqa.

(Special edition, March 28)



In Defense of...

PESTICIDES

1. Organic Food is for sissies.

2. Two-headed babies are cute.

3. Oncologists need the business.

4. Apples just don't taste the same without them.

5. I love my lawn.

6. Bugs floating in the pool are icky.

7. Who cares about migrant farm workers anyway?

8. My 401(k) is mostly Dow Chemical.

9. Have you ever swallowed a fly?

10. I don't like spiders and snakes.

(OK, so this one sucks, but the political landscape was boringly familiar last week...)



In Defense of...

ANNE COULTER

Sorry, there is no defense for this (choose your own pejorative).



In Defense of...

ALBERTO GONZALES

1. Another attorney Cheney ought to take hunting.

2. Takes page from Cheney: when heat is on, hangs top aid out to dry.

3. Dubya takes page from Cheney, too: enjoy the twisting, Alberto.

4. Whole mess may finally smoke fathead Rove out of bunker.

5. Great guest on Imus.

6. Illegal wire taps, beer on tap, tap dancing, it's all the same.

7. Water board, skate board, board of canvassers, what's the difference?

8. Firm believer in (daily) constitution(al).

9. With Dubya's blessing, built modern-era Department of (in)Justice.

10. One of select few not claiming to be Dannielynn's daddy.



GET IN ON THE GROUND FLOOR OF SOMETHING BIG!

Announcing the formation of the first United States Squirrel Catapulting Team, the US/SCT. Spring training session to be held in Pascoag, R.I., details to follow. To find out about this exciting new sport, still in its infancy but growing by leaps and bounds (did I say that?), check out these two clips. We'll be adding more of our own as soon as Cal completes the new design:

Homespun catapulting.

Play-by-play commentary.

Note from GWM: These were hilarious, but the folks at YouTube have removed these clips, alas. Are they being PC -- or is parent company Google so cowed by Sumner Redstone that they're become chickens (sorry, bad mixed-animal metaphor)?

(March 19)



Congratulations to The Washington Post's Dana Priest and Anne Hull for their extraordinary series on Walter Reed. And BTW? If you're thinking of contending for a Pulitzer in Public Service, you might want to consider switching to editorial or feature writing or something.

In Defense of...

BUILDING 18

1. More energy-efficient than steam grate.

2. War is hell. Get over it.

3. Having exhausted 9/11 widows and f******s, Ann Coulter finds great new material.

4. Army brass who lived across street: You mean that's not a Motel 6?

5. Mold? Doesn't bleu cheese start with mold?

6. PTSD? Sorry! We thought you said PSAT.

7. Removes any doubt that '08 belongs to Democrats.

8. If Gitmo wasn't so expensive, we'd have more for you other warriors.

9. What does Dubya know, anyway? Closest he's been to combat is riding on plane during carrier landing.

10. And Cheney? Closest he's been is mistaking lawyer for quail.

(March 12)



In Defense of...

KILLING SICK OLD PEOPLE

(as Gov. Lamm once famously advocated)

1. Oxygen tanks are explosive hazard.

2. More slot machines for us.

3. Walkers clang too loudly on wooden floors.

4. Handicapped vans drive too slow.

5. Methane is global-warming threat.

6. People should have teeth.

7. Think what's under the diaper.

8. Alzheimer's just isn't funny.

9. They're still not over World War 2.

10. Isn't Mickey Rooney already dead?



I know the Anna angle has been worked to death (sorry), but I can’t resist a parting comment or two. In defense of…

BURYING ANNA IN THE BAHAMAS

1. After three weeks on ice, she deserves some warmth.

2. Gets long-overdue red-carpet treatment.

3. Foils Mom's plans for ANS mini-golf course in Texas.

4. To the winners (of a court case) go the spoils.



And for those who remember our dear ex-colleague who has taken a new job:

In Defense of…

ARTIE MOVING FROM PJ TO DOW JONES IN NYC

1. Mission accomplished: Took a few months, but finally learned all there was to know about Rhode Island, journalism, and life in general.

2. Eight million new people to annoy.

3. At long last, void left by E.B. White’s passing is filled.

4. Calvin Trillin ready to pass torch.

5. Wins coveted dowjones.job opening.

6. Job application process finally gave someone a reason to read a story of his.

7. Superior platform from which to defend those misunderstood dudes who flew jet into World Trade Center.

8. Stock market was long overdue for correction.

9. `Greased lightning’ strikes again.

10. Rudy will surely want him on GOP ticket.

(March 5)



In Defense of…

JUDGE'S HANDLING OF ANNA'S BURIAL CASE

1. Lock for job if Britney goes.

2. Puts the kangaroo in court.

3. No one's noticed diaper-naut has fled country.

4. Gave Anna's mom grounds for fun-loving appeal.

5. Is Milton Berle buried yet?

6. Pushes embalming science to new limits.

7. Makes Judge Judy look like real jurist.

8. No one blubbers better.

9. Hates goodbyes.

10. Eternal rest? So far, more like nap.

(February 26)



In Defense of...

BRITNEY'S BUZZ CUT

1. Diverts attention from that other hairy part.

2. She can now relate to Alexander Litvinenko.

3. Puts new face on chemotherapy.

4. Kevin definitely won't be back now.

5. Can't mistake her for Paris anymore.

6. Pushes hair locks to record prices on eBay.

7. Stops her babies from that pesky tugging behavior.

8. Stubble confirms true color wasn't blonde.

9. Suggests Telly Savalas was distant relative.

10. Continues strange cosmic link to astronaut and Anna.

(February 19)



In Defense of...

NOT RELEASING ANNA NICOLE SMITH’S BODY

1. Better entertainment value than wax museum.

2. True love is forever.

3. No worries, silicone doesn’t rot.

4. Two years left on Trimspa contract.

5. You can still view Lenin, why not Anna?

6. Keeps tacky diaper-naut story off front page.

7. Keeps nightmare Mom on front page.

8. Not everyone's had her yet.

9. DNA sampling likely to involve thousands, take years.

10. Custom caskets aren't built overnight.

(February 12)



In Defense of...

SADDAM HUSSEIN

1. Great beard.

2. Master population planner.

3. Hired funny-guy Chemical Ali.

4. Has popular Baghdad sandwich named after him.

5. Owns 29 palaces.

6. Looks cute on cellphone.

7. Deals decisively with annoying relatives.

8. Rose from birth in marshlands to rule glorious nation.

9. Enemy of our enemy (Cheney/Rumsfeld) is our friend.

10. No one hides weapons of mass destruction better.

(February 12)



NEW! THE GUEST LISTS

This week (May 14), we introduced an occasional new feature: The Guest List. This one comes to us from a member of the list with deep inside knowledge of NASCAR. He asked us to leave it at that.

For you non-NASCAR types (must be one or two of you out there, right?), some background. Dale Earnhardt Jr. is the son of the late legend, Dale Senior, who died at the 2001 Daytona 500 (I happened to be there, but that’s another story…). Junior is a top driver, at the helm of the red No. 8 Budweiser car, but he will not be reinventing quantum physics anytime soon, or even read a book, if you catch my drift.

Dale’s widow – Junior’s stepmom – took over Dale’s company, DEI. Junior drives for DEI – and thus stepmom is technically his boss. The two do not exactly see eye-to-eye, shall we say, and last week Junior announced he will be leaving DEI, thus opening up the NASCAR equivalent of Roger Clemens entering free agency.



In Defense of...

DALE JR. LEAVING DEI

1. Kind of hard to remember how to spell D-E-I in post race interviews.

2. Once Michael left what's the point in sticking around.

3. Really do want to screw with the guy who tattoo'd the number 8 on his bicep.

4. Heard that chicks dig car owners.

5. Tired of calling his owner 'Mommy Dearest.'

6. Red just isn't his color.

7. Thought COT meant Change One's Team.

8. Thought the press conference was to announce that Trix really are for rabbits.

9. Who wants to be known as 'Junior'?

10. "I'm Dale Jr. I'm the biggest name in NASCAR next to Goody's Headache Powder. Why the !@#$!@$ not!!!"

(May 14)



 

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